I read many times that you need to listen more then talk to children.
I read many times that you should not offer solutions many times and just show that you are listening without commitment of any kind, without input.
Today I realised that I am doing just that – well many a time not all the time!
I tell you parents it is tough doing this bit!! Your children tell you things (and you feel blessed that they feel comfortable enough and bonded enough that they can trust you with these feelings), and your heart breaks into a million pieces. You wish to show them the way, to lead them but you KNOW they need to get there on their own.
All you can offer is a few guiding pieces to help them with their own self-care- nothing else! and you wish to go and speak with the persons that are making them feel like that. You want to shout at them: “Look what you are doing to my child? Can’t you see?” But instead you tell them that they will find a way to figure it out. You hug them tight and let them fight with their torment, hoping and trusting that they will see how best to deal with such situation.
I realise, that most of the time we do not listen because on a deep, possibly unconscious level, we know how this will play out! We know it will be hard hearing these things and doing nothing. So we cut them short, we talk, instruct, order, advise – anything but listen….so our heart remains intact.
Yet, we forget, that for our heart to remain intact, our children are getting more frustrated because they are not feeling listened, not validated, not loved, note cared for. They feel all they do is wrong, they do not know how to take a decision, how to interact with others, how to solve conflict…….
….and in the end it is what will truly happen! They become adults who can not listen and can not take real life decisions and solve conflicts and validate feelings of others and the cycle continues to the next generation and the next.
It is tough though…..very tough!